On why you’re not gonna change their mind

We all have beliefs. We also think we’re right and others are wrong. Nowadays, we’re encouraged to say so with ever-increasing volume. Preaching, brow-beating, name calling, and generally crappy behavior is all the rage. Go ahead and yell. It’s a relatively free country.

But you’re not gonna change anyone’s mind.

You’re probably wasting your breath and getting all worked up in the process.

Let me tell you a brief anecdote.

If you don’t know me, it needs to be said; I am incredibly stubborn.

A long time ago, in a land far, far up north, I had an argument with my father. We both presented evidence to support our point (passionately, on my part; stoically on his). Despite how fervently I believed I was right, his logic was sound. By the end of the discourse, we were both worked up. Also, I began to suspect I was wrong.

So I ignored it. Naturally.

Flash forward a decade, and I’m having the same argument with my teacher/mentor. Almost word for word. Here’s the rub: this time, I knew I was wrong.

Did I change my stance? Nope.

Why?

Because I am emotionally invested and deeply attached to my position. Anger has fueled the formation of my belief. That’s hard magic to break. What I felt (believed) had become a significant part of my ever-evolving identity. Mostly, I’m still angry. And I am equally attached to my anger.

Am I getting to a place where I can be fully honest about how I’m wrong and how severely sentiment has affected my judgment?

Maybe. Stay tuned.

Humans don’t like to be wrong. Our brains actually resist contradictory information. We’ve all heard of the confirmation bias and cognitive dissonance, but how often do we view our own behavior through these lenses?

My husband was talking to me about an unrelated topic, and he said, “To change someone’s mind, you have to change their heart.” (Paraphrased)

So where am I going with this?

Yelling at someone, calling them names, being utterly childish, or letting your emotions run away with you does absolutely no good in trying to convey your message to someone else. In fact, it makes the other person dig their heels in and double-down on their opposing belief.

After all, would you listen to someone who was dehumanizing you, ridiculing you, and frothing at the mouth? No. That’d be crazy.

Am I suggesting we all live in echo-chambers of exclusive cult-like thought? No. That’d also be crazy.

I’m asking that we approach conversations as though they’re actual conversations. Easier said than done, sure. Definitely a sign of maturity.

Well-intentioned discourse will bridge the gaps that alienate us, and inspire more personal growth in everyone involved.

I am a firm believer that good ideas/information are the best defense against bad ideas/information.

(Yes, that’s also a belief. We can argue about it if you want)